NOTE: If you don’t have the 7 minutes this will take to watch the whole way through, don’t even bother starting it. It’s worth it though. And if you don’t tear up a little, you have no heart.

*This is the most liberal use of the word friend. We have actually never spoken. I’m convinced, though, that she worked in my elementary school cafeteria for at least a year.

1. Combos, Mambas, Milk Duds, and Mountain Dew – I have made sure to cover the four road trip food groups here: salty, fruit, chocolate, and drink. This balanced diet is essential. Interestingly, I don’t like any of these things outside the context of my car.

2. John Denver’s Greatest Hits - Thank you Mom and Dad for indoctrinating me at an early age. Now I’m unable to travel long distances without poor quality loops of Rocky Mountain High and Leaving on a Jet Plane.

3. Thick Skin – Without fail, when I start telling my wife a story on a long car ride, she is asleep in less than 2 minutes. She swears that it’s the car that puts her to sleep, but the jury’s still out.

4. Video Camera - Tripp, Dan, and I made this music video about 5 years ago on a road trip from Wisconsin to Minnesota.

What are your road trip essentials? Maybe I need to incorporate some of your stuff into my routine.

Celebrity Apprentice – I started dabbling in this about two months ago. I never planned on it becoming an addiction, but before I knew it, I would go crazy if I didn’t get my Sunday night fix. There’s just something about famous people acting really childish and not famous that hypnotizes me. Oh, and [insert favorite Donald Trump hair joke here].

Mirror Side-Glances – I am either the vainest person on the planet, or the most normal. You know what I’m talking about (right?). You walk past a reflective store window a few times (whoops, I forgot something back there) or inspect the car that’s parked next to you, with the sole intention of making sure your physical appearance hasn’t faltered since the last time you checked. I like to keep it to a side-glance. I think it’s the full-on-glance that makes one vain.

Apple Store Roaming – I am (disturbingly) happy while merely standing inside an Apple Store. I’m not in the market to buy anything new. No, I just want to be surrounded by all the stuff. After I’m done examining the iPhone on display (the same iPhone I already have in my pocket, by the way), I usually just go get on the Internet, thinking that it will somehow be an awesomer version. It isn’t. It’s the exact same…but better.

Toxic by Britney Spears - If I’m riding in the car with you and this song comes on, don’t say anything important for the next few minutes. While I may be nodding my head at you every 30 seconds or so, it’s not because I’m agreeing with you. I am actually answering the question that I just asked myself in my head – Did this song get better since the last time I heard it? Yes. Yes it did.

What are some of your guilty pleasures? Come on, if you can’t tell us, who can you tell?

*It’s coming on HGTV in a few months. I’ll keep you posted.

Foot Locker: We got dem tall tees.

Little Caesar’s Pizza: When you absolutely positively wanna get what you pay for.

Blimpie: Hey, when you can’t find a Subway, Publix, Firehouse, Jimmy Johns, Quiznos, Miami Subs, or a New York Deli; we’re still here, and our stores still smell like a foot.

Dairy Queen: Yes, we serve real food too, and our worker-to-customer ratio is 6-to-1.

AOL: We’re still here for you, Grandma.

Buick: Bet you didn’t know we made more cars after the Le Sabre.

Super Soaker: Still lots of different ways to get water on your friends.

TBN: We don’t know either. People still give us money for some reason.

Sears: From lawnmowers to printer cartridges, we have everything you’re not looking for.

Party City: When you want to pay more just to spite Wal-Mart.

Umbros: For people who have never actually played soccer.

Dollywood: When you can’t afford Disney World…but you still want a giant turkey leg.

Click here to see who wrote what. I’m beginning to realize that you’re much funnier than me, so keep the comments coming. We all like to laugh.

When I was 15, I started a 50,000-person “Beat LA” chant at the Braves game. There isn’t a greater feeling in life, knowing that you single-handedly birthed a 3-minute revolution. This is precisely why The Wave Starter exists. He’s tasted the magic and wants nothing more than another shot at glory.

You know the guy I’m talking about. He had 13 beers during the pre-game tailgate. He proudly dons a t-shirt from a sorority function he went to back in ’01 and wears sunglasses with Croakies (even though it’s nearly 8pm). Oh, and he’s always ready to fight. Yes, that’s the guy.

He’ll devote no less than 4 innings to making this wave happen. Eight minutes in, he’s sweatier than any of the players on the field. You think about joining in, but decide against it. Now he’s pissed at you. He keeps telling you (specifically) to Come on! and you do your best to pretend like you don’t notice. At some point, the game on the field is no longer important. All you care about is defeating The Wave Starter and crushing his dreams.

Eventually, the crowd will give in. The wave will make a victorious half-lap before dying out in left-center field. The Wave Starter will tell this heroic tale for the next five decades – how he overcame the odds, defeated the villain (you), and brought thousands to their feet. Then his grandkids will tell him he’s a loser.

Do you know someone who is The Wave Starter? I do.

]]> http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/15/dbtg-the-wave-starter/feed/ 5 wtstanto wave1 http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/still-in-business/ http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/still-in-business/#comments Tue, 14 Apr 2009 11:54:49 +0000 Tyler Stanton http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/?p=1084 ]]> I didn’t think they had it in them. Shockingly, these companies have managed to stay in business and avoid almost certain failure. How?

Dippin’ Dots – What would a trip to the water park have been like without this $5 cup of ice cream BBs? I was so excited when I first found out that this was “the ice cream of the future.” The world, in my opinion, would become such a better place. I have religiously checked the frozen food aisle at the grocery store for the last 18 years, only to be punched in the face each time by its absence.
New Slogan: Dippin’ Dots. Hey, thanks for your patience.

Hotmail.com – My first email account was with Hotmail. My entire family shared it. Since then, other options have surfaced. Sticking with Hotmail is the equivalent of sticking with cumbersome point-and-shoot film cameras.
New Slogan: Hotmail. Even our employees have Gmail accounts.

Starter – The oversized Starter jacket might have been the single greatest garment in the 1990s. It was the dream of every middle school boy to wear one. Now Starter is the official sports apparel line of Wal-Mart. Talk about a fall from grace.
New Slogan: Starter. We’ll always have the jackets.

Any Laser Tag Establishment – Three minutes into any game of laser tag I’ve ever played, I am filled with regret. Do you not remember last time? How could you allow yourself to be back in this position? There’s always the one guy who brings his own gear and the owner who gets pissed that you don’t know the lingo and the gun that gets jammed (how do lasers even get jammed?).
New Slogan: Laser Tag. Prepare to be letdown.

Who else should have been out of business years ago? Any new slogans we should know about?

Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
↓
Couple episodes of 24
↓
More ludicrous movies
↓
Lead role on House
↓
Member of the Obama administration

Don’t get me wrong. I love this guy as an actor. I just don’t know if he is the best choice to fill that (or any) White House vacancy.

Barack: So Kal, what direction do you think we should go with this?
Kal: [Acting stoned] Bro…I’m thinkin’ west.
Barack: Wait…are you doing Kumar right now? I can’t believe you’re Kumaring the President.
Kal: That was actually my Taj…you know, from Van Wilder.
Barack: [Regretful stare]
Kal: Going back to your question…there was this thing that Gregory House said to me one time-
Barack: Get out.

]]> http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/13/how-did-this-happen/feed/ 6 wtstanto kumar http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/loss-of-innocence/ http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/loss-of-innocence/#comments Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:01:03 +0000 Tyler Stanton http://tylerstanton.wordpress.com/?p=1090 ]]> In between my thoughts of what is actually important today, I’ve been reminiscing about the day I publicly denounced belief in the Easter Bunny. Some call it the single greatest turning point in a young man’s life.

I was upstairs with some friends discussing the legitimacy of both Santa and the Easter Bunny. I, of course, was in staunch defense of their existence. They, on the other hand, were hell-bent on destroying my innocence…which they managed to do with little effort.

They weren’t satisfied with me merely changing my mind. No, they wanted me to inform my parents…right then and there. That’s just what you do when this happens, they reasoned. So I did what anyone in my situation would have done. I yelled from the top of the staircase, “Mom… I don’t… [breathing heavily]… believe… [cue armpit sweat]… theEasterBunnyisDUMB” and ran as fast as I could into my room and cried.

After I gained my composure, I went downstairs, got in my car, and drove to Arby’s. I haven’t been the same since.

In the meantime, I want to show you one of his more heroic moments. It’s from the middle of our picture slideshow (a slideshow that, because of Tim, is the best picture slideshow ever made). Wait until the 14 second mark…

If you’re interested, click here to see a poem Tim recited for Amy and I at the end of his (now legendary) wedding toast. Note: The first 10 seconds are dark for some reason.